pangs of loneliness

i miss the kisses and hugs. it seems like it was yesterday that jayron and i were together trying to forget about us. he is jealous of sort to his own friend who took the liberty of liking me despite of already having jayron. geo and i met because he is a friend of my love. we had the chance to talk alone and i heard many things about my boyfriend from him--- all bad. however, the thing is, i already know about most of them and i love jayron no matter what others will say. geo tried to court me and tried to compare himself to jayron. he thought it is hard for me to choose. but no. not a bit. even if jayron came from a muddy, murky background i love him beyond that. i love what is the best of my boyfriend. and i accepted and loved him for all that he is before i came, even the worst of him. jayron have all the right to be jealous. he told me so, because he loves me too. we almost ended up like what he usually had--- forgetting every bit of him. but i know i surprised him, almost to a childish delight. i didn't say a thing but i did make a sort of assuring him i will never forget. the next thing i know, he embraced me telling me he cried and will surely miss me. i am already everywhere in his sight. we simply watched the stars on our bed and hug each other tightly. i know i am not the same person anymore. for the first time i know deep inside what is love. its not meant to be understood but it is something to be experienced. i know i made the right choices... to love jayron no matter what lies beneath the dark, to make him happy even in the smallest of things, to guide him towards his own dreams, to live our own dreams together, never letting go and leaving someone behind... and simply love jayron with real prayers. even if i am far away, i know we will never forget. we miss each other so much that no night or day passes without the "i love you's" in our inbox. or if no one can hold on much longer, the voices of the other is the only comforting matter. i know it's hard for him that i am far away... but we know this is only temporary. he is to live his dreams as i will live mine but we live our dreams together too... i know we never worry too much or maybe a few minor interruptions, but we end up loving each other more. maybe that's what love is all about. to love and love more than what is expected. although i really miss those hugs and kisses and our "rape" moments and i may not see him always, its my heart that sees jayron everywhere. i know he sees me too.

understood

when i thought all is gone... because i thought i am not the only one. there are hundreds of stars around jayron... i found i am the only one in his life after all.

i have flashes of his love for me but i never really thought about it as for me alone. i used to be but not anymore jealous of other people he loves. those text messages of i love you's to some gay guy... i simply accepted that fact. jayron is really a catch of every gay man. and he loves it when that are too many who loves him.

i am the only person who hurt him to see where he stands. but while hurting him, i am loving him beyond his imaginations. i simply wanted him to be a better person. we have the same broken life but i had picked myself earlier. i wanted him to realize that he's got a friend where he can lean on, an ally and someone who sticks around him far closer than a brother. he stopped short in his anger to me. he simply lied down on his bed and allowed me to embraced him... to lift away his pain and let me love him unconditionally.

that was the moment that defined my love. love jayron and expect nothing. for sometime, he would hurt me. we have tampuhan but i never pass it up as a big deal. we talked about it the next day and we developed this openness to the other. i became a very loving friend to him and he treated me just the same. i can joked about how many people actually craves for him and how i can be forgotten...

and one time, we were sleeping together. he said i should go home because he does not want me around. i simply looked at him and said i will. i tried to get up but he locked me around his arms and never let me go. he closed his eyes and breath on my neck. it was about to go on in eternity.

i know that moment he loves me more than i can imagine and yet if there are other human eye around, he can be very cold. too many instances. we are like cats and dogs fooling around without the pained feelings anymore... but when there's only two of us... he is very loving. when our friend is quiet annoyed at his partner's hugs, jayron and i simply looks at each other and smiles. he knows i'm thinking "it wasn't me... its you jayron, who keeps on hugging me! but i liked it anyway...".

then there are moments when he would tell me if i leave the country, i will just forget him. i shot back. the moment i will leave the room, he forgets me! and he will say "ikaw, bahala ka kung yan ang iniisip mo". but we laugh it off. we are like leeches glued to each other and whispering never ever we forget each other.

then last night was something i can't forget.

he brought the topic of me leaving him... but he told me there are too many memories he will miss about me. i know what he means because there are too many things that happened just between the two of us. no other witnesses. no one saw the miracle happened between us. no one heard when he told me he really loved me so much. no one heard when he asked if we can get married. no one saw our hugs and kisses... no one saw that there are great love in our eyes for each other... just between jayron and me and the stars above us.

i told him we will still be together even if i'm far away. i love him too much that i will not forget every inch of him. that animal, he can't make me cry by missing him. he responded by hugging me again.

then he closed his eyes when i kissed his lips.

jayron again

i had lots of letters written for this person and some of them can be very scathing. i thought he will hate me for speaking my mind... but we're getting better now.

i admit i love this person very much. although i begun to love him only as a friend, my love for him always come in second... which sometimes overlapped my "friends only" line. my concern lead me to discover plenty of unpleasant things and i wrote him what i think and how i feel about it. but i know i've given jayron hope at the end of my letter. something that encompasses my unconditional love for him.

i knew then that he was hurt because he wouldn't dare look at me. he doesn't wanted to be touched too. maybe because he did misunderstand what i said. but he did admit to the dirty past and told me he's not doing it anymore.

then there goes the unfolding. for the first time i saw the real reason and the real person. the man i saw before we professed our love to each other (only to be taken back after few hours). i know i hurt him too much. but i also knew it will be good for him.

this time i know he saw himself in front of the mirror. and he saw me as his ally who loved him beyond measure. i told him about my darkest pasts and moments and i realized we have the same stories. although i came out to be quiet stronger, i know he will be after picking up the pieces of glass shattered over time. we had that deeply moving moment where i knew he realized i was never after anything but his exalt. he was holding back his tears and i wished i could have embraced him... but i was holding back myself. i can only touch his arm and rub him lovingly.

it was like a new story for both of us. i know i had sacrificed my love to give him a friend that loves him. although we had some petty arguments and i did surrender... vowing never again. only to love him more.

what i didn't expect was after the argument. i clearly said this is the last of it. only to be asked by my best friends not to leave jayron. because he distinctly said he loves me.

i'm supposed to be happy... but i'm confused. he told my best friend that he loves me and he's just being nice to him. all the while i was making a reason for us to really forget each other and for jayron to love my pal. i clearly said that he will love jayron, and only jayron. love him every minute of your life... because i did, and still do. i just wanted jayron to be happy if not with me, with someone i can trust who will never hurt jayron. what confuses me now is how to handle our relationship. which will come first? my friendship or my love? but i think i have to take it slow.

i asked my very close best friend how can i love jayron more but i said maybe i should ask him myself. tonight.

getting over pacman

after 12 rounds manny pacquiao lost to el terrible morales of mexico by two points. half the world is disappointed and filipinos can't still believe the hero lost. after all, pacman should have been the greatest. typical of filipinos, reasons of defeat sprouted like mushrooms all over a dead log.

some reasons come from the hero's mouth such as the blood tests and the wound above his eye. i agree that he should have taken the blood test days before the game but he wasn't able to do so. he took it hours before the game. the cut above his eye came from el terrible's blow plus the head butt. the referee decided it was technically clear that blow comes first before the head butt. now i know that i'm not really imagining things after all. some reasons came from the media's frenzy like the glove... pacman said its alright if it wasn't suited for him because it is heavier as long as both of them (morales and he) wears the same glove.

meanwhile sticking to a much filipino thinking, many said that he sold the game in exchange for a million dollars plus a fil-am green card. sounds plausible really.

it may be true or not but i think pacman fell because it is his time. when the captain of titanic said that even GOD cannot sink her, titanic broke and kissed the bottom in just three hours. or like the ziggurat of babylon where they wanted to reach the skies to lord all men, they broke into disarray. nobody can understand everybody. pacman said maybe then changed his mind few days before the game. he said that he will destroy morales. but he's not preaching. i know he can. the problem is he is the tower of babylon. he is reaching the sky for a good reason. but tyrants are made by their wives. his team is wrecked by controversies and more likely corrupted by the power pacman brings.

the wives benefit more they say. it is said that pacman changed his manager. he told no reason. but the people of the south knows. the former manager is far richer than pacman. he has better houses, cars and everything than pacman himself. of course, managers are essential but its the talent that is more essential to anything. then, the new team is said to be composed of complacent members. these people has something to gain from pacman and pacman has little or none for them. after all teams are supposed to work together but filipinos are not a team-minded people. better still if effort is minimal. pacman's team is all at fault. the complacency is astounding and worse still is the deliberate ignorance of the art of war.

it may be hard to accept this defeat but defeat is bound to happen to those who do not know themselves and their enemies. pacman's generals failed to forsee defeat because they are already dreaming of victory. to his team, its only the talent of the soldier that counts while not knowing the true power of his enemy. pacman's defeat is a sad story of failed generalship.

of course to soften the outrage pacman immediately calls for a rematch soon.

unless there is a change in stratagem, pacman is bound to fail more. after all, he is a symbol of the country. like pacman, more edsa revolts and yet none is happening. more laws are passed yet nothing is working. electing new officials and there are newer corrupt leaders. there is a need to look deeper on why the country is declining faster than usual. if there is a systematic change there may be hope.

like pacquiao, as our symbol of struggle, a radical move can be made for the rematch. a matching effort to win the long awaited victory.

hajimete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my thoughts are simply flying for no apparent reason. i wished i watched Lemony Snicketts before i went to gym. supposedly we're going to elect officers for an organized cult? i mean, it could be a cult because there are quiet a few fitness enthusiast in a poor country. however, waiting in vain (ok, i'm a bob marley fan too) really because it was cancelled after two hours of waiting for monday then. despite that, i get to pump my muscles while my mind lingers on "what if i became an officer....?"

if i did, i could have suggested a lot of tasks. i know in myself that no organized group can work without a vision and mission. but i guess that can wait for a few days.

now i'm here again, online and remembering that junnrey told me about this blog site. heck, i got plenty of blogs that i can't remember them anymore or i simply forgot. now i'm drifting away since i have no idea what to write here for now. i mean in this particular blog... i have no idea what this is supposed to be! i simply fly away with Sponge Cola's Crazy for you. its also a bit interesting to note where i have no one to be crazy about.

maybe because i'm simply crazy?

heck! who's normal in this world anyway? of course, everybody will say "I AM!" and none will admit that he or she's crazy. but i know that our world is simply abnormal. in a crazy system, how can one be normal? by coming to terms or flowing with the trend? what the heck is the trend nowadays anyway? treating sex as love? more vanity? mobile connectivity? stars' quest and voting them through texting? tsk... i admit i'm quiet weird to a lot of people. no one can really fathom what's in my mind. some say its sex. some believes none at all.

its very amazing when i deal with what i am and what i am not to others. quiet so because i don't really care what others think of me. if they are my close intimate friends, i will think about what was said. but if they are outside my circle... blessing or curse it may be... i don't really care at all. after all i know there are windows of my personality where i am sure i am that person. there are others to be discovered but i am confident it flows along my vision and mission. or even so... my own set of progressiveness allows me to reflect, reaffirm and rectify.

i evolve around my own standard and i guess everybody does. but i guess it matters when we are brought by different circumstances where we either choose to be mediocre or grow stronger from pains and failures. i choose to live destroying apathy. i am not perfect and i know i do not know a lot of things. but i am progressive. i do not want to become apathetic or stagnant. i want to move forward. when people thinks i'm simply sex or nothing, i don't care what they say. but i am moving forward where some can discover rare things or simply left behind when those that came with me are already there. i build my personal relationship along my missions in life. i believe that nothing is an isolated case. one thing leads to another. so it goes and am i crazy.

its an adventure really. knowing me is an adventure. knowing with me is an adventure. and knowing that we have to do something from what we know is a great adventure. and now you can say this guy is crazy and he is right abut one thing... i am crazy too! now there are two of us... soon there will be more until all the people in the world are crazy and we begin to build a better place (i still admire michael jackson for his love for the children... not as a pedophile. i know he loves children sincerely).